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Back to business.
Disclaimer, this one's a "coffee post', meaning brevity is not intended.
Disclaimer, this one's a "coffee post', meaning brevity is not intended.
The realest and saddest comment, in my opinion, on my social media newsfeed of 2k13 goes to a Ms. Mia Eubanks; she was referencing the hatred shown toward recently murdered domestic violence victim, and young mother Michelle Rowling. http://madamenoire.com/328804/michelle-rowling-reportedly-killed-by-ex/
A YouTube video was compiled by someone under the name "theblackauthority", (which I won't link to here, I refuse to give this individual any views) insinuating that she deserved to be murdered, noting that she had tattoos, tracking her facebook timeline activity and describing it as "ghetto", because she was a "hoodrat" and "liked thugs", as if any human being deserves to be brutally killed. Ms. Eubanks' poignant comment was: "I can't help but feel some of these men think black women should die period."
Wow. I sat back.
A YouTube video was compiled by someone under the name "theblackauthority", (which I won't link to here, I refuse to give this individual any views) insinuating that she deserved to be murdered, noting that she had tattoos, tracking her facebook timeline activity and describing it as "ghetto", because she was a "hoodrat" and "liked thugs", as if any human being deserves to be brutally killed. Ms. Eubanks' poignant comment was: "I can't help but feel some of these men think black women should die period."
Wow. I sat back.
Let's all hold that sentence for a second. Men: Relax. If the shoe don't fit, it won't butthurt. (inject humor to diffuse tense moment between the sexes.) But really, does she have a point? Offreakingcourseshedoes!
The hate is real. I turn on the TV, the radio, go online. print magazines, news. Still controlled by plutocratic white men. Hatred in different forms directed at women. But with a special amount of vitriol for black women. How so? Its all in the portrayal. The images of the harlot/hottentot, the mammy/help, the welfare queen/ghetto BAP are all still there for us to feed into and emulate. And yes, we do, and have been for years, some of us. Some black men have been used as puppets in the broader landscape, who were ranting on "angry black women" being hard to love, and and interracial dating being better. They didn't realize these Kanye-esque rants and putdowns being published was their emotions being used against them was destructive and harmful to their own communities. The misogyny of rap lyrics are old hat, but the message still strikes its feminine target with precision and aplomb. That aggressive misogyny is often translated to rampant domestic violence, with an increased impact on women of color. The comfort that a man now displays with demeaning, abusing, and killing women has me questioning if America has become a Third World Country where a man fears no retribution or conviction for domestic abuse? Why do some black men harbor hate for women that look like his mother, sister, or daughter?
The key operative being SOME men. Understanding the WHO could save many lives.
This is the undertaking that domestic violence organizations, and law enforcement agencies grapple with, figuring out which situations with people of all ethnicities are the ones with the danger of escalating to homicides. What they are not being forthcoming or realistic about is, that women like Michelle who are in a lower socio-economic caste are not being treated as a priority. The Michelle Rowlings of the world have smaller or no support circles, so are therefore, more susceptible to physical forms of domestic violence and trauma that can lead to homicide. Not too long ago, I worked with an organization on advocating for the passing of a Domestic Violence Survivor's Justice Act Bill in Albany, NY. As we convened and met at the capitol, I met more than survivors, I met leaders, these beautiful, strong, intelligent women unafraid to share their stories. Women like me, who were me. I shared with them that I had a history with a controlling guy that I was glad to have moved on from. I talked to women who when they fled their abuser and sought community linkages, they felt that they had been brushed off, or in some cases, or discriminated against by human services workers and law enforcement personnel because of their ethnicity or appearance, or the neighborhood they lived in, or by the fact that they had low incomes or received public assistance.
But what the hell would a woman's economic circumstances have to do with her not being strongly enough encouraged/assisted to flee her abuser? Alot. If she is with him, she may be less dependent on other forms of support. Or, by issuing protective orders (which are not warrants and don't enforce or protect anyone, they are requests that can be legitimately violated) and not incarcerating an abuser, it could save the courts money and resources to prosecute "more pressing or legitimate" cases. Sometimes, they "run right back" to their abusers, especially when children are involved. That is not the point, there are wraparound services to address those specific types of issues. It does not make it a "waste of time and resources" to help when you consider the cost in terms of human life. (Quotes in this paragraph represent phrasings of actual statements made about victims of abuse on a social media comment thread.)
This would explain why a young woman like Michelle Rowling might return to her abuser, as a means of financial or familial support, when there can be none found outside the relationship in the community or immediate family.
But what the hell would a woman's economic circumstances have to do with her not being strongly enough encouraged/assisted to flee her abuser? Alot. If she is with him, she may be less dependent on other forms of support. Or, by issuing protective orders (which are not warrants and don't enforce or protect anyone, they are requests that can be legitimately violated) and not incarcerating an abuser, it could save the courts money and resources to prosecute "more pressing or legitimate" cases. Sometimes, they "run right back" to their abusers, especially when children are involved. That is not the point, there are wraparound services to address those specific types of issues. It does not make it a "waste of time and resources" to help when you consider the cost in terms of human life. (Quotes in this paragraph represent phrasings of actual statements made about victims of abuse on a social media comment thread.)
This would explain why a young woman like Michelle Rowling might return to her abuser, as a means of financial or familial support, when there can be none found outside the relationship in the community or immediate family.
As for the guy "blackauthority" who made the video generalizing young black mothers with tattoos as "hoodrats" in the video? In fairness, some argued that there was some truth in what he was saying about lifestyle choices but his delivery was tacky, and that he was victim blaming and disrespecting the dead; causing pain to a grieving family. Some said that his video should stir controversy and strike up a much needed conversation in communities of color. Welp, I found his Facebook account which is https://www.facebook.com/jason.black.583234 so you can have a conversation with him about it. I'm sure by now his page is now abuzz with comments of cross dialogue. I personally found the clip abusive, in itself.
It is noted that the commenter Ms. Eubanks specifically stated she feels that some of these men think" all black women should die". There is indeed a lot of hostility and general disrespect toward black women, that unfortunately some women perpetrate as a standard, by accepting and tolerating negative behavior from men and acting out in ignorant ways. Some of that can be chalked up to a trend of generalization via negative images of black women in media gathered from reality television and the new media wave of oversharing.
Since we are considering commonalities regarding generalization and the abusive humiliation of black women, we can also include the sum of those society labels "rachet" because even in jest; these labels can sting and marginalize people that might possibly be in need of help, with deeper issues than we can understand beneath the surface. And maybe not. Maybe its merely their right to self-expression, and none of our damn business. A woman who is free in her sexuality is a "thot", which updates the More insecure men find it hard to come to terms with outspoken, confident women of any ilk, class, or race. Its easier to attack, bully or ridicule the undereducated, poorer ones though. Doubly easier to abuse an previously abused woman, as the cycle of abuse can go.
And even easier to abuse a dead woman, unable to any longer defend her own name. Nothing on Michelle Rowling's Facebook profile or in her lifestyle justifies her abuser murdering her. Domestic violence is a horrible cycle that is hard to escape. Clearly, her own mind was set that she had no option or way out but death, no help, no one would save her. Her final Facebook post would prove that. No one even responded with concern when she said goodbye, knowing this man was abusive. Shame on those who judge.
Since we are considering commonalities regarding generalization and the abusive humiliation of black women, we can also include the sum of those society labels "rachet" because even in jest; these labels can sting and marginalize people that might possibly be in need of help, with deeper issues than we can understand beneath the surface. And maybe not. Maybe its merely their right to self-expression, and none of our damn business. A woman who is free in her sexuality is a "thot", which updates the More insecure men find it hard to come to terms with outspoken, confident women of any ilk, class, or race. Its easier to attack, bully or ridicule the undereducated, poorer ones though. Doubly easier to abuse an previously abused woman, as the cycle of abuse can go.
And even easier to abuse a dead woman, unable to any longer defend her own name. Nothing on Michelle Rowling's Facebook profile or in her lifestyle justifies her abuser murdering her. Domestic violence is a horrible cycle that is hard to escape. Clearly, her own mind was set that she had no option or way out but death, no help, no one would save her. Her final Facebook post would prove that. No one even responded with concern when she said goodbye, knowing this man was abusive. Shame on those who judge.
Not liking, or loving someone anymore is not justification for the verbal, physical, and emotional abuse; the sheer violence and death warrants that it seems that have been issued to women recently in tragic homicides cases across the country as we're seeing. Abusers are gender neutral, I acknowledge these circumstances occur in LGBTQ relationships; women do abuse and I am in no way diminishing DV in these instances. What I am referring to here is a specific type of sociopathic male hatred projected onto a female;
The fact women can abuse and harm other women still doesn't negate the fact that there are definitely some men that think we should just die when they don't want us anymore, but don't want anyone else to have us.
I don't generalize. Some.
I call this "the broken doll" syndrome. He hurt/broke her, and can't fix her, so she is damaged goods and therefore is now permanently abuse-able and disposable. The really advanced cases of abusers might decide to dispose of the doll permanently. Abusers are everywhere. They are not only male, but male abusers are the topic of this post. They are hidden in plain sight amongst us. Hell, they may even be your brother, father, cousin, uncle, church pastor, professor, or neighbor, and this may be the reason why they haven't yet been called out, or locked away, because they have the protection and support that the women that they beat, stalk, harass, and belittle don't. Most of us fear getting involved.
The comment thread referencing this topic had grown to over one thousand replies at my last notification. It was buzzing with statements like:
Why would he kill her if he loved her? Why would he want the mother of his child to die? What type of man even thinks likes that, and, the million dollar question, what kind of man is the type you'd never think would act upon it? The only answer to that question can only be, my dear other Mia:
The fact women can abuse and harm other women still doesn't negate the fact that there are definitely some men that think we should just die when they don't want us anymore, but don't want anyone else to have us.
I don't generalize. Some.
I call this "the broken doll" syndrome. He hurt/broke her, and can't fix her, so she is damaged goods and therefore is now permanently abuse-able and disposable. The really advanced cases of abusers might decide to dispose of the doll permanently. Abusers are everywhere. They are not only male, but male abusers are the topic of this post. They are hidden in plain sight amongst us. Hell, they may even be your brother, father, cousin, uncle, church pastor, professor, or neighbor, and this may be the reason why they haven't yet been called out, or locked away, because they have the protection and support that the women that they beat, stalk, harass, and belittle don't. Most of us fear getting involved.
The comment thread referencing this topic had grown to over one thousand replies at my last notification. It was buzzing with statements like:
Why would he kill her if he loved her? Why would he want the mother of his child to die? What type of man even thinks likes that, and, the million dollar question, what kind of man is the type you'd never think would act upon it? The only answer to that question can only be, my dear other Mia:
An fatally abusive one.
Mia, thanks for giving me and the others in the comment something painful yet substantial to think about.
Love - M
